— You were in the mood an hour ago, then he insisted on watching more TV, and now all you can think about is Heather Mills and gifted children.

— He has been remiss. You can’t remember exactly how, but it was earlier, and you are still angry.

— You have drunk the perfect amount and now feel peculiar – any movement could provoke nausea.

— He doesn’t seem to be as keen as he should be, and if he is waiting for you to demonstrate keenness, which he may be, then you thought of it first.

— You are worrying about early-onset Alzheimer’s, particularly on account of the keys-left-in-the-front-door incident.

— You accidentally watched a documentary on Five called How to be Averagely Good in Bed by 21st-Century Standards, and it has taken the wind out of your sails.

— The dog is looking.

— You think you have a heart murmur.