After helping countless couples rescue relationships that appear to be unsalvageable, family therapist Terrence Real has a different view: "You've got to duke it out with your partner and help them rise to the occasion." For him, that is the most important of the new rules of relationships.
Hot couples, says Real, need cool skills. First they need to know how to handle themselves when their buttons get pushed. "There are lots of circuit-breakers for when you lose it," says Real. You can breathe deeply and take time out. "But you need to understand that 'losing it' is a choice."
In his new book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work, Real identifies five winning strategies.
Go after what you want. But before you open your mouth, ask yourself: "What do I really want right now?"
Complain constructively. Don't complain to your partner about what he isn't giving you. You must shift the negative into a positive. "Every complaint is really a wish," says Real. "Better to cut out the complaint and get right to the wish. 'I'm mad at the way you talk to me' translates into 'I would really like it if you could talk to me this way.'"
Listen and respond generously. "Neither men nor women feel listened to," Real finds. Men commonly feel unappreciated. "They want someone to listen, pat them on the head for how hard they're working, and tell them what a good job they're doing."
Empower one another. Anger, says Real, regularly stems from helplessness. "If you're walking around angry, it's often because you're trying to control some thing and it's not cooperating. The way to be less angry is to let go of your control."
Cherish what you have. "Keep your eyes on the prize," says Real. "Remember the person you're speaking to is someone you love. If you can't remember that because you are too angry and hurt at the moment, at least remember you have to live with them."
clipped from: www.psychologytoday.com