“There is something about a Republican that you can only stand him just so long; and on the other hand, there is something about a Democrat that you can’t stand him quite that long.” —Will Rogers

Who watched that Live Earth thing? I guess they had a huge tree on stage—I thought it was a huge tree. Turns out it was just Al Gore giving a speech. ... Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, arrested in Laguna Niguel, California. Police found marijuana in his car. Police searched the car after pulling him over for going 100mph in his Prius. When his dad found out he said, “Whew, thank God it was a Prius. That could’ve been so embarrassing.”

“Did you watch the Live Earth concert against global warming? Neither did I! I was shoveling coal into my Styrofoam factory, enjoying roast penguin.” —Craig Ferguson