The Republican Party has finally turned into a big tent. Everybody’s a presidential contender! Being a Republican senator is pretty much an automatic qualification. After all, there are only 40 of them. Once you’ve eliminated the ones with sex scandals and the guy from Kentucky who uses a teleprompter in debates, there’s hardly enough left to fill up a stage at the Iowa State Fair.

The two biggest names are Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin, one of whom has too many ideas while the other has no ideas whatsoever. But they are bound by the fact that neither one of them is actually ever going to be nominated for president even if we have another Ice Age and the only Americans left alive are them, Dennis Kucinich and that woman who was Miss California until Donald Trump fired her.

It might also have helped if your husband had refrained from volunteering your 18-year-old daughter, the mother of the GQ baby, to be the anti-teen-pregnancy ambassador for a clothing manufacturer.